Source: dailystormer.com
Applying For A Job There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant.
The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.
When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.
When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?"
They hire the accountant.
Airport Security A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
Catholic School A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math.
The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"
"You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!"
...LOL "The fear of the cross is the beginning of knowing maths"
Little Boy Son: "My math teacher is crazy".
Mother: "Why?"
Son: "Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1; today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2."
Half Bread or Heaven
At a church service, a mathematician was asked to choose between Half bread and Heaven. HE CHOSE HALF BREAD claiming that he can prove that a half bread is better than heaven. This was his proof; We know that Half bread is better than Nothing, we also know that Nothing is better than Heaven. Hence, by transitivity Half bread is better than Heaven. QED
Top ten excuses for not doing homework:
Salary Theorem
The less you know, the more you make.
Proof:
- Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money .
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.
The encounter between e^x and d/dy
A constant function and e^x are walking on Broadway. Then suddenly the constant function sees a differential operator approaching and runs away. So e^x follows him and asks why the hurry. "Well, you see, there's this differential operator coming this way, and when we meet, he'll differentiate me and nothing will be left of me...!" "Ah," says e^x, "he won't bother ME, I'm e to the x!" and he walks on. Of course he meets the differential operator after a short distance.
e^x: "Hi, I'm e^x"
differential operator: "Hi, I'm d/dy"
LOL...your CALCULUS should tell you e^x is in trouble.
Finally, let us consider how Mathematicians do their things
HOW WE DO IT...
Aerodynamicists do it in drag.
Algebraists do it in a ring, in fields, in groups. Analysts do it continuously and smoothly. Applied mathematicians do it by computer simulation. Banach spacers do it completely. Bayesians do it with improper priors. Catastrophe theorists do it falling off part of a sheet. Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can. Complex analysts do it between the sheets Computer scientists do it depth-first. Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes. Decision theorists do it optimally. Functional analysts do it with compact support. Galois theorists do it in a field. Game theorists do it by dominance or saddle points. Geometers do it with involutions. Graph theorists do it in four colors. Hilbert spacers do it orthogonally. Large cardinals do it inaccessibly. Linear programmers do it with nearest neighbors. Logicians do it by choice, consistently and completely. Number theorists do it perfectly and rationally. Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results. Pure mathematicians do it rigorously. Quantum physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both. Real analysts do it almost everywhere Ring theorists do it non-commutatively. Set theorists do it with cardinals. Statisticians probably do it. Topologists do it openly, in multiply connected domains Variationists do it locally and globally.
Cantor did it diagonally. Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in. Galois did it the night before. Mðbius always does it on the same side. Markov does it in chains. Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants. Turing did it but couldn't decide if he'd finished.
AND I DID IT AND I KNOW I HAVE FINISHED!!
For more jokes, you can check
http://jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/mathjokes/
http://www.math.utah.edu/~cherk/mathjokes.html
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